kidcomrade: kumatora, mother 3 (waht)
Danni ([personal profile] kidcomrade) wrote2012-04-22 01:46 am
Entry tags:

lies here

You know what would be nice? To just... not be able to give a shit. Not in a bad way, but in a liberating kind of way. Do you get what I mean?

Because really. I've lived so long with guilt. Not over any one thing in particular, mind you; you know that whole idea of Catholic guilt that everyone talks about? Yeah, I've got that in spades. I'm always apologetic. "I'm sorry" for this, or for that other thing, or for how I feel or how I've acted. Even when I mean things I feel guilty for that. It seems cute or silly sometimes, but it's an actual problem that I think might have something adverse to do with my own self-confidence.

I'm slowly making progress. I'm less frequently sorry; I try harder to stand by the things that I do without ultimately buckling my knees and sobbing and self-flagellating. I just can't do that anymore. I'm an adult and I need to be more self-assured, especially since, wow, I'm gonna be in the workforce soon. (Me, working. What a terrifying thought. ...more for whoever has to run into me than me actually though.)

It's tough to do this, though, when my first instinct is to be a peacemaker! I guess there's some kind of balance that I need to find? Don't pick fights, but stand your ground as well. That sounds right. Ish. I have no idea it's like 2 AM and it's almost time for finals I'm in existential crisis mode.

IN OTHER NEWS today was Cal Day and I got free food and pens and other swag oh my god I love free shit you have no idea.   
raphiael: (Edea)

[personal profile] raphiael 2012-04-22 09:16 am (UTC)(link)
*hugs* I can definitely relate. I have this feeling sometimes like, I'd like to not care? To not worry all the time? But at the same time, it feels selfish, like I'm putting my own needs above others' somehow by not freaking out over every little thing I screw up (or don't, because I apologize for everything.) And then I just feel worse.

But it helps to remember, even just a little, that your feelings are important too. Sometimes you have to stop and think, am I actually helping? Is what I did actually hurtful? Was this at all my fault? And just take a step back. Learning that I didn't have to ALWAYS be the mediator to things really cut back on my stress, even though it was really hard.